Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize
