Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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