Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
