Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
