So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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