You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
