I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
