I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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