I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
