Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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