i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
