i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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