I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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