Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I'm having to shit out rocks
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
