Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
