I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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