I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
