i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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