I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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