They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Randomize
