I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
as a side note pls kill me
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
