I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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