do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
