I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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