also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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