yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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