I faked an abortion last night.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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