Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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