I cut my penus on the lid.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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