you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
