i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
