dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
