I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
