It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
