I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
