I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
i believe in u and ur pee
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
