The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
