I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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