I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
