Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
This house was built for laser tag.
Sober January is a disaster.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
