I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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