She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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