I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
They have beer where we have blood.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
