I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
