Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
this is an emotional support booty call
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
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