I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
