Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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