Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
