you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Randomize
