i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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