If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
