Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Randomize
