Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
