it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
